You will be aware by now that I made a very unfortunate error in a recent media interview, and I wish to apologise for that.

 

Speaking on Birmingham’s Fix News, a closed circuit channel broadcast throughout the Bump-A-Ka car body repair shop, I made the assertion that New York was built entirely out of pizza. At the time, I believed this to be true; yes, I have visited New York but have never tasted the architecture, so had no reason to question the validity of my claim. I merely wished to warn other American and European cities of the danger of dough-based civil engineering. My further suggestion that certain areas of New York were now policed by fundamentalist garlic bread eating vigilantes beyond the control of conventional law enforcement was, it now transpires, something of an overstatement of the facts. 

Now, I could hide behind excuses that my special adviser, Tobias Tomlinson, had told me this and claimed to have supporting evidence, so it’s not my fault but his, but I won’t do that, even though that is what actually happened. No, the responsibility is mine and mine alone. Mr Tomlinson’s decision to seek alternative employment this afternoon is entirely coincidental and I wish him well in his new field, whatever that may be. I shall be only too happy to recommend his services to any employer of manual labourers.

 

I apologise unreservedly to every citizen of New York and to every pizza and construction worker everywhere. I have made a donation to some charity or other.

 

Hearing people repeat my foolish words back at me today has felt exactly like having electrodes attached to my genitals while being beaten about the head through the terrifying darkness of a potato sack.

 

Magnus Turner MP

 

Addendum

 

I understand some people were offended by my analogy in the above apology. I merely meant that I welcome public scrutiny of my words, even if that scrutiny involves enhanced interview techniques such as asking me hard questions about the source of my information and that, being unwilling to publicly discredit Tobias Tomlinson, whose fault this really was, all I could do was cry and beg for it to stop.

 

I hope this makes my position clear.

 

You know, this whole situation has reminded me of the time I went snowboarding with Pol Pot…

 

… actually, I think I’ll leave it at that.