Magnus Turner was born in Bakewell, Derbyshire, where he still has a home near the Pentecostal church at which his father was Pastor, and can often be found walking his dog in the beautiful countryside of that region because I like the simple things in life – you get the idea, Jason. Man of the people, that sort of thing. He studied Politics at North London Polytechnic. Actually, you’d better say London Metropolitan University. That’s what they call it now and it sounds a bit better than the loony left cesspit I found myself in. It wasn’t easy being a Young Conservative there in 1982, I can tell you. That’s why I also joined Young Labour, Young Liberals, the SWP & the Communists, but don’t bother including that.

He entered Parliament in 1987 as a Conservative backbencher and worked tirelessly for Mrs Thatcher, and even tried, God knows I tried, with her successor Major who never saw my potential and was so obviously about to lose in 1992 that I crossed the floor to Labour just before the election. Say I was loyal to him but recognised that the evil Tories had lost touch with the people they were elected to serve. That usually plays well.

Five years in opposition gave me time to write articles for The Bakewell Gazette about walking my dog Rex in the Peak District, which were later collected as allegorical tales of how I influenced power from the shadows in my book ‘Magnus Rex: From The Parks To The Benches”. See if you can get a photo of the cover to include here. I’ve sold all my copies, I’m afraid and the publisher’s being a bit of a pig about reprinting. I suspect they’ll reconsider when they see how many hits I get on this blog though. Bastards.

Something here about my loyalty to Blair when we got back in power. They like Blair, don’t they? If not, just mention that he was the prime minister but I was my own man or something. Better say I was loyal to Brown too, but in truth, I never once spoke to the man. It’s always “good PM, shit PM”, isn’t it. But don’t quote me on that ha-ha! When Fatty Brown died on his arse at the “I agree with Nick” debates, it was clear to me the LibDems were going to win a majority, so I crossed the floor again, but put that in a way that makes it clear I’m a man of principle. Always been instinctively liberal or something. Instinctively liberal democratic? Bit clunky. See what you can come up with. And make sure you mention my unswerving loyalty to Nick Clegg, obviously.

I think we can leave the political career at that. I used to try to get secretarial positions with junior ministers over the years, but no-one took me up on it, and the jobs don’t pay anyway so screw ‘em. It’s easier just being a backbencher, to be honest. Don’t say that though.

Mr Turner believes passionately in the democratic process and is committed to repairing and strengthening democracy in Britain by re-engaging a disengaged public; conducting a national conversation to tell people why politics matters and why they must vote. He is available for public speaking engagements, media appearances and anything else that will bring in a bit of money (you know the sort of thing – I’ll do whatever comes up; Chat Shows, Phone-Ins, Theatres, Fetes, Day Centres, Arts Centres, Comedy Clubs, Gay Bars, Swingers Parties, Dogging Areas… but make it look like they’d be lucky to have me, OK?). His appearance diary or whatever you call it is handled by my wife, Mrs Turner, but if we can make it look like I’ve got a bigger staff, word that differently. She uses my email address though (themtmp@gmail.com). Is there any way we can make that seem normal? She just doesn’t like computers, so I have to print everything out for her.

Finish with something about readers of the blog being encouraged to comment and raise issues they’d like to see me addressing.

If you can get that tidied up and published for me, I’ll have a look at it when I get back from Spain in a week or so. Although from what I hear of the British weather at the moment, I may stay on a little longer. We’ll see.

Oh, and don’t use big words. They wouldn’t understand them. Just make me sound approachable and caring, OK Jason? I’ll settle those invoices when I get back too.

Thanks,

MT