Full English Brexit?

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Full English Brexit

Look, you know, a lot of people have contacted me over the weekend asking which way I intend to vote in the European Referendum on June 23rd. I want to be very clear about this. I simply say to you, look, you know, and I have always been quite consistent on this, so let me be very clear about it… it’s far too early to say. I haven’t yet heard all the songs, and can’t really face the thought of it happening without Terry Wogan.

 

However, I promise you this; I will be voting in Britain’s best interest (subject to any arrangements which may be offered by either side of the argument to secure my vote). But vote we must! I must. You must. You have a democratic duty to listen carefully to all the arguments for leaving and remaining, then get yourself to the Polling Station and VOTE against the vision of Post-Referendum Hell which scares you most.

 

Will leaving the EU destroy our economy or will the UK economy be destroyed by staying?.. Mr. Farage says leaving the EU is the only way to prevent unwanted immigration; Mrs. May says remaining strengthens our ability to deport people… Do you agree with Labour’s Keir Starmer that leaving the EU would put this country at greater risk of terrorist attack, or with the Conservatives’ Ian Duncan Smith that staying in the EU would put this country at greater risk of terrorist attack? So many important issues to consider in what will, I’m sure, be a reasoned, moderate and informative debate over the next four months.

 

I tell you this; I didn’t vote to stay in the European Union at the last EU Referendum. I was 15. Yet, when I campaigned more recently in the Scottish Referendum, many of the dear little people I met there told me MY interventions were directly responsible for their turning out to vote, so I take my responsibility in these matters very seriously indeed – and I might mention here that I was extremely disappointed recently to find myself accused of scaremongering about Europe! Nothing could be further from the truth. I simply observed that more dangerous animals have escaped from UK zoos since we joined Europe than at any other time in our history. By the same token, since we’ve been EU members, very few of us have been mauled by wild animals and eaten all up. These are the things we have to consider.

 

A useful starting point would be to read the full agreement achieved by the Prime Minister last week in Brussels. And I certainly intend to do that at some point. Until then, like you, I continue to argue from a position of instinct and hunch, which have always served us so well in the past.

 

Look, it’s all about doing the right thing to do. If you vote to remain, you will make the life of David Cameron very much easier. It would please him, and Mr. Osborne and Mr. Javid and Mr. Hunt. I realise this may encourage some people to vote the opposite way, but they should remember that a vote to remain would also please Mr. Corbyn and Mr. Benn. And someone called Mr. Farron. A vote to leave, on the other hand, would ally you with Mr. Farage, Mr. Galloway and Mr. Gove. An Out Vote would almost certainly mark the end of Mr. Cameron’s term as Prime Minister. Possibly paving the way for PM Boris Johnson. It’s a conundrum alright. And when I have reached a definitive position, I shall of course let you know what it is, and will expect you to rally behind me without question.

 

I hope this helps.

 

Cheerio.

 

p.s. Recent sales of my mainland European property portfolio are indicative of nothing more than a coincidental period of marshalling funds for my forthcoming purchase of a small castle in this country. My country. Great Britain.

 

 

 

Almost there now!

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As I write this, just five campaigning days remain until the nation goes  to the polls! Who will form the next government? Most of us, by the look of things. I was very impressed by the BBC Question Time Leaders’ event two nights ago. The audience were incisive, challenging, well informed… all the things we’ve been trying so hard to avoid for the last three weeks.  It was a dreadful night for politics, but hopefully we can put that behind us and focus on the real issue at this election: Just how gorgeous IS that royal baby?

For my part, I’ve been out on the doorstep doing my bit to inform your decision on Voting Day:

You’re welcome.

General Election podcast

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I know how hard you’re finding it to decide between the parties as we approach the big day, so I have taken the trouble to prepare a short Election Special podcast to assist you. It’s here:

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It’s also online here and should be popping up on iTunes quite soon. I believe you can subscribe to that and never miss another edition.

A new year has dawned, has it not?

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Wishing you a very happy new year!

mtmp

To help you fight off the back to work blues, I have prepared a new podcast for you! You can download it from the internet right now. I urge you to do so.

And do spread the good news!

 

 

For the benefit of future political historians, it has also been archived on this site, at Podcasts: At Your Service

 

Happy General Election Year!

 

 

(Election music: Epic by www.bensound.com)

 

 

Filipinagate: a statement

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British politics is in crisis. Turnout is falling, the electorate view politicians with slightly less respect than hitherto. They are tired of political clichés. I get it. I met a woman in a park who said she agreed with me about this. But the real question is, are you better off under the coalition? I know I am.

 

On The StumpIn my ongoing mission to re-engage a disengaged public, I travel the length and breadth of this country giving speeches about the importance of listening. It’s a conversation, if you will. A conversation which I deliver at every possible opportunity. For many of you, my message will go way over your heads, but at least I try to get through to you, and I am sure you are left with renewed confidence that we know what’s good for you.

 

Donald, a man I met in Glasgow while campaigning for Better Together ahead of the Scottish Referendum, told me “Mr. Turner, sir. You are the single biggest reason I will be voting tomorrow”. When I telephoned him the next day to ensure he had kept his promise, he shouted down the phone “Yes! Yes! Yes! I Voted! Yes! Yes! F*** you, you Westminster c***, YES!” (which is how they speak), and I must say, I was tremendously encouraged at the excitement I’d managed to engender in him.

 

Recently, I have taken my message to social media. I may be the only politician to have embraced technology in this way. I don’t know for sure as my technical and communications assistant, Jason is the one who keeps it all updated for me, although I understand Mr. Obama in America has been very swift to follow my lead.

 

Sadly, I have learnt today that not everyone on social media is who they claim to be, and it is by way of a service to the public that I publish this news today.

 

Look, you know, I present myself in good faith as Magnus Turner MP and when someone asks to be my virtual friend, I naturally assume that they either have a keen interest in politics or are an ordinary hard working person who does the right thing and wants to learn more, to avoid making a terrible mistake at the ballot box. It did not, for example, strike me as at all odd that I should be followed on Twitter (@themtmp) by “SeamsoManc, the dress app for lovers of fashion in Manchester”. Similarly, when approached on FaceBook (Magnus Turner MP) by attractive young women from overseas, I have merely assumed that they were in the process of filing a visa application and taking a healthy interest in UK politics. It was therefore disappointing this morning to receive this message from a Mr. K:

 

Sir, I feel you should be made aware that I have received a friend request from a petite Philipino woman of about 19 years of age, living in Manilla. She is, it would appear, already a “friend” of yours. Are you in the process of easing her visa application so that she can come to this country and be your personal assistant? Is there any truth in the rumour that her extended family are set to follow as your “staff”? Please make the position clear. Kind regards, Bruce.

 

It appears the individual in question has also approached other FaceBook friends, and for that reason, I have personally “unfriended” her and I would like to take this opportunity to make a full and heartfelt apology to anyone who may have misunderstood the situation. If you were upset by what has happened, I am unreservedly sorry that you were upset.

 

Let me be very clear. I have never met this young woman, Miss Lovelyface. Yes, it is the case that we have exchanged messages in which she spoke of the pleasure she derives from giving relaxing massages to “mature gentlemans like my daddie” but that was a minor part of a longer discussion about her financial difficulties. I may have inadvertently given her access details to one of my bank accounts, but I only keep a few thousand in that one for petty cash, and most of that was wiped out last time this happened, so I may have to accept the latest loss as the price of a lesson learned.

 

Any promises of future accommodation and employment were made on the understanding that she was who she claimed to be and are therefore now null and void. Should she later allege any promises were made that I could introduce her to people who could ease her passage to this country “without all that pesky paperwork, my dear” would be a barefaced lie. And any photographs she may publish could be of anyone.

 

I have brought this matter to the attention of the Prime Minister, who assures me I have his full and unswerving support. Let us now draw a line under this unfortunate incident.

 

Magnus Turner MP

 

ps Will you please stop abusing the benefits system.

AT YOUR SERVICE!

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The inaugural edition of my podcast, ‘At Your Service’ is now available to hear and download at http://themtmp.podomatic.com and will be available from other sites soon.

It will also be archived on its own page on this site very soon.

Happy New Year!