British politics is in crisis. Turnout is falling, the electorate view politicians with slightly less respect than hitherto. They are tired of political clichés. I get it. I met a woman in a park who said she agreed with me about this. But the real question is, are you better off under the coalition? I know I am.

 

In my ongoing mission to re-engage a disengaged public, I travel the length and breadth of this country giving speeches about the importance of listening. It’s a conversation, if you will. A conversation which I deliver at every possible opportunity. For many of you, my message will go way over your heads, but at least I try to get through to you, and I am sure you are left with renewed confidence that we know what’s good for you.

 

Donald, a man I met in Glasgow while campaigning for Better Together ahead of the Scottish Referendum, told me “Mr. Turner, sir. You are the single biggest reason I will be voting tomorrow”. When I telephoned him the next day to ensure he had kept his promise, he shouted down the phone “Yes! Yes! Yes! I Voted! Yes! Yes! F*** you, you Westminster c***, YES!” (which is how they speak), and I must say, I was tremendously encouraged at the excitement I’d managed to engender in him.

 

Recently, I have taken my message to social media. I may be the only politician to have embraced technology in this way. I don’t know for sure as my technical and communications assistant, Jason is the one who keeps it all updated for me, although I understand Mr. Obama in America has been very swift to follow my lead.

 

Sadly, I have learnt today that not everyone on social media is who they claim to be, and it is by way of a service to the public that I publish this news today.

 

Look, you know, I present myself in good faith as Magnus Turner MP and when someone asks to be my virtual friend, I naturally assume that they either have a keen interest in politics or are an ordinary hard working person who does the right thing and wants to learn more, to avoid making a terrible mistake at the ballot box. It did not, for example, strike me as at all odd that I should be followed on Twitter (@themtmp) by “SeamsoManc, the dress app for lovers of fashion in Manchester”. Similarly, when approached on FaceBook (Magnus Turner MP) by attractive young women from overseas, I have merely assumed that they were in the process of filing a visa application and taking a healthy interest in UK politics. It was therefore disappointing this morning to receive this message from a Mr. K:

 

Sir, I feel you should be made aware that I have received a friend request from a petite Philipino woman of about 19 years of age, living in Manilla. She is, it would appear, already a “friend” of yours. Are you in the process of easing her visa application so that she can come to this country and be your personal assistant? Is there any truth in the rumour that her extended family are set to follow as your “staff”? Please make the position clear. Kind regards, Bruce.

 

It appears the individual in question has also approached other FaceBook friends, and for that reason, I have personally “unfriended” her and I would like to take this opportunity to make a full and heartfelt apology to anyone who may have misunderstood the situation. If you were upset by what has happened, I am unreservedly sorry that you were upset.

 

Let me be very clear. I have never met this young woman, Miss Lovelyface. Yes, it is the case that we have exchanged messages in which she spoke of the pleasure she derives from giving relaxing massages to “mature gentlemans like my daddie” but that was a minor part of a longer discussion about her financial difficulties. I may have inadvertently given her access details to one of my bank accounts, but I only keep a few thousand in that one for petty cash, and most of that was wiped out last time this happened, so I may have to accept the latest loss as the price of a lesson learned.

 

Any promises of future accommodation and employment were made on the understanding that she was who she claimed to be and are therefore now null and void. Should she later allege any promises were made that I could introduce her to people who could ease her passage to this country “without all that pesky paperwork, my dear” would be a barefaced lie. And any photographs she may publish could be of anyone.

 

I have brought this matter to the attention of the Prime Minister, who assures me I have his full and unswerving support. Let us now draw a line under this unfortunate incident.

 

Magnus Turner MP

 

ps Will you please stop abusing the benefits system.